My first blog

I am not sure if anyone will read this.
At this point in my life I am not entirely certain I am doing this for anyone except myself and it feels.....good.
I am a person who will so willingly believe the absolute best in someone, even after they have shown me their worst.  I believe in people too much.  I believe this makes me a door mat.  They annoying part about all of this?  These breaks I so graciously extend to even the most unworthy, I consistently deny myself.
I am absolutely my own worst critic.  I say things to myself that i would never, in my wildest imaginings, say to another human being.
Is it I love others too much or that I don't love myself enough?
I wonder if anyone in the world, feels the things I do?  I wonder if people feel alone with the gnawing emptiness I do?
I want to fill myself with something.  God's love.  There I said it.  I want to be loved.  I want to be someone's exception.  I want someone to get me. I want someone to understand me.  I know who this person is and I guess this is my way of asking them to just be kind and love me.  Here comes the schmaltzy part, that person is me.
I want to not only like who I am but I want to love who I am.  Good or bad I am the only consistent person in my life.  People, as much as we love them come and go.  Death, divorce, time, distance all rob us of those we love.  The only person who bears witness to our every moment is ourselves.  And God, this is my belief.  I think God weeps when we hate ourselves.  I think of my child, and how beautiful and perfect he is to me and if Matthew for one second believed or told himself just one of the hateful things I tell myself everyday, I would die.  My heart would shred into one million tiny pieces.  God created us in his image and gave us free will, and I am grateful but mostly perplexed at how we can become so loathe some of ourselves.
I think of how he must feel, when I am struggling and I say things like, "You are so stupid and ugly and fat and unworthy of love.  No one will ever love you.  You are alone and you will die alone.  You have disappointed everyone you have ever known."  My God, i would smack the crap out of anyone for pulling that crap.  Then I would give them a big hug and point out why I thought they were fabulous.  I want to fill myself with the wisdom and the strength to be that person for myself.  Not in a narcissistic way, just in a friendly, loving way.
That is my goal and my purpose for my blog.  So if I am all that ever reads this, I want it to be enough.  I want to be enough for myself.  I absolutely cant expect anyone to love me until I can be loving to myself.
I think i will just post according to things I am thinking and feeling each day and hopefully, over time, I can open my brain and scrub the bitterness and the ugliness of my hatred of myself away.
Good luck to me.  I take the next step with bated, but hopeful breath.