The Tao of Fish

Many years ago I went to work at IRS.  I had the fortune of meeting my best friend Mike.  We were torrid lovers for about 5 months and then I guess he decided we were better off as friends.  I was bitter but about 7 years later climbed on board.  We played in a medieval recreation group where he was given the moniker Fish and it stuck.  Apparently enough time had passed since Barney Miller only a few of us ever unleashed the Abe Vigoda teases.
Fish is my guru.  We are entering our 21st year of friendship and I am so grateful for all of his advice.
I can't remember it all at once but I am sure it will crop up many times.
He was the first person who made me laugh after I lost my Mom.  Helped me feel okay laughing.  You know that first time you laugh or are happy after the most devastating time in your life?  Where you feel like your head is breaking the surface after drowning in your misery, but you feel like you are leaving part of yourself under water?  That sadness.  You feel guilty but you have to move past it.  It takes a good person to not only make you laugh but help you navigate the land mine your life has suddenly turned into.  I am forever grateful.  He stood up for me as my Man of honor at my wedding, helped me navigate the devastation of my husbands affair and drug problem, held my hand as I became and adoptive Mom and watched me struggle and offered tons of encouragement as I suffered my subsequent divorce and the sticky yucky waters of dating again.
He is wise beyond his time and I am just super happy to call him friend.

The power of goodbye

It is not only a great Madonna song but true wisdom.  I have had a lot of goodbyes, but life is all about them so I might as well embrace them.  I do an excellent job being grateful for the people in my life when they are there, I always believed it would lessen the sting when they were gone.
It just gives me comfort in knowing that the people I love, absolutely know, I do love them.
Make it easier to say goodbye?  Never.
I am saying goodbye to my boyfriend/lover/fling/friend/landlord Dave today.
We have known each other for about 4 months and as of today I think he will just be my landlord.
Dave is the king of mixed signals and I have decided at this juncture in my life, I am definitely TOO old for that shit!
So goodbye Dave, I will miss your gorgeously yummy kisses, the way you make me laugh, the way you would text RIGHT when i was thinking of you, and I will miss the great sex.
What I wont miss is you calling me baby and telling me how much you miss me in one text and then in the next asking me to hook you up with a girlfriend.  I wont miss being ignored when you are a mile away and made to feel all warm and fuzzy when you are 800 miles away.  I wont miss the tears as your harsh words and criticisms sting.  I wont miss being made to feel like a loser.
I will always try to pay my rent on time.
Next blog will be called the Tao of Fish.....
Bye Dave, you will probably look back and realize what an idiot you have been, I hope by then I am married to Chris Evans....

My first blog

I am not sure if anyone will read this.
At this point in my life I am not entirely certain I am doing this for anyone except myself and it feels.....good.
I am a person who will so willingly believe the absolute best in someone, even after they have shown me their worst.  I believe in people too much.  I believe this makes me a door mat.  They annoying part about all of this?  These breaks I so graciously extend to even the most unworthy, I consistently deny myself.
I am absolutely my own worst critic.  I say things to myself that i would never, in my wildest imaginings, say to another human being.
Is it I love others too much or that I don't love myself enough?
I wonder if anyone in the world, feels the things I do?  I wonder if people feel alone with the gnawing emptiness I do?
I want to fill myself with something.  God's love.  There I said it.  I want to be loved.  I want to be someone's exception.  I want someone to get me. I want someone to understand me.  I know who this person is and I guess this is my way of asking them to just be kind and love me.  Here comes the schmaltzy part, that person is me.
I want to not only like who I am but I want to love who I am.  Good or bad I am the only consistent person in my life.  People, as much as we love them come and go.  Death, divorce, time, distance all rob us of those we love.  The only person who bears witness to our every moment is ourselves.  And God, this is my belief.  I think God weeps when we hate ourselves.  I think of my child, and how beautiful and perfect he is to me and if Matthew for one second believed or told himself just one of the hateful things I tell myself everyday, I would die.  My heart would shred into one million tiny pieces.  God created us in his image and gave us free will, and I am grateful but mostly perplexed at how we can become so loathe some of ourselves.
I think of how he must feel, when I am struggling and I say things like, "You are so stupid and ugly and fat and unworthy of love.  No one will ever love you.  You are alone and you will die alone.  You have disappointed everyone you have ever known."  My God, i would smack the crap out of anyone for pulling that crap.  Then I would give them a big hug and point out why I thought they were fabulous.  I want to fill myself with the wisdom and the strength to be that person for myself.  Not in a narcissistic way, just in a friendly, loving way.
That is my goal and my purpose for my blog.  So if I am all that ever reads this, I want it to be enough.  I want to be enough for myself.  I absolutely cant expect anyone to love me until I can be loving to myself.
I think i will just post according to things I am thinking and feeling each day and hopefully, over time, I can open my brain and scrub the bitterness and the ugliness of my hatred of myself away.
Good luck to me.  I take the next step with bated, but hopeful breath.